Wasn’t sure what to name this post, so I wrote it, then came back and titled it. Permission. I think it fits, but we’ll see what you think. So here’s what’s on my mind today. Lots of people out there are still working through their resolution lists for 2016. Others are choosing a “word theme” for the year. Like Dream. Or Simplify. Or Believe. I’ve done both those things in the past: written resolutions or chosen a word/theme for the year. So I’m not dissing resolutions and word themes. They play an important role. Something to shoot for.
But this year I’m going down a different path. Now that I’m in my forties I can do that, right? Come July, I’ll turn 44. Ouch. A fellow-forties-friend (that’s what I’ll call her) and I were recently chatting about how much we used to care about what people thought when we were in our twenties. And then we cared just a little less in our thirties. And now that we’re in our full-blown forties, we could really care less. Ha. Well, that’s not exactly true, but pretty darn close.
This year, I’m not only giving myself Permission to not do certain things, I’m also giving myself Permission to not feel guilty about not doing them. Let me explain.
In case you didn’t know, women are funny. At least this one is. And if you’re a man, you might not get this. But women are funny in that they often feel pressured to do things. Even to do them in a particular way. Especially if we’ve done them that way in the past. Ritual. We cling tightly to tradition and memories. That “we’ve always done it this way” mentality.
So the following is silly but true. When I was in my twenties and newly married, I had a little cardboard box in my microscopic, organized pantry labeled “grocery bags.” After shopping trips I’d neatly fold the bags lengthwise into strips, then flip-flop fold them into neat little self-contained triangles. Put them in the labeled box. Yup, I did that. Whenever I needed a plastic bag I’d grab a triangle and it was great, so convenient. Saved space. So nice and neat for picnics, etc.
Well one day a fairly blunt visiting friend spied my triangle bags in the pantry and gravely announced: “You, (dramatic pause) have way too much time on your hands.”
Humph.
Trust me, it didn’t sit well with me at the time. But in hindsight, she was right. Truth is, we’re all in different seasons of life, and she was obviously in a season devoid of time to fold grocery bags into little triangles. And twenty years later, so am I. Ha. Those seemingly important little things we once poured our precious time and energy into change over time.
Life changes. Seasons change. And this year I’m giving myself Permission to change along with those seasons. Realizing there are things I once did I no longer can in this particular season. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
As many of you know, our family’s life significantly changed when our sweet little Hudson was born with the unexpected diagnosis of Down syndrome nearly six years ago. The world of constant care-giving has been life changing and even draining at times. But there’ve been many other changes along the way since those triangle-bag-folding days. Part-time seminary for Jon with a two hour, one-way commute to Charlotte twice a week. (Lasted eight long years while he worked full-time. One baby born during Greek, one during Hebrew. LOL.) Eventually four kids, all boys. Moving back north from the south. Me transitioning from working full-time, to being a SAHM, back to working full-time again. Honestly, in twenty-three years of marriage, one thing has remained constant: change. And I’m still learning how to roll with it. To transition.
I’m learning to release the past, even things and traditions I treasure. Some I really want to do, but physically don’t have the time or energy anymore. And then others, I question why I did them in the first place. (Triangle bags.)
Learning as I uncurl my white-knuckled, fingers clutching the past, that open hands can more easily receive beautiful new gifts and blessings. Different ones.
“It would seem that… our desires are not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -C.S.Lewis
In various seasons of life, I have:
- Made homemade bread weekly for my family.
- Milled the wheat for that homemade bread. (Yeah, I did that.)
- Entertained people in my home. Often. (Very often.)
- Made fancy desserts and gourmet meals for events.
- Served homemade dinners every night, no matter what.
- Sent out Christmas cards.
- Taught Kindermusik.
- Participated in service projects.
- Sewed curtains for my home. Also clothes and costumes for the kids.
- Knit socks for each of my boys.
- Ran 3 miles, six days a week.
- Made all handmade Christmas gifts.
- Washed the kitchen floor weekly.
- Folded grocery bags into neat, self-contained little triangles. (Sigh.)
It’s not that I did all those things in the same season of life. I mention them not to toot my own horn, but to make a point. And while some might call me an over-achiever (thanks Dave), these are things I took great pleasure and joy in doing for my friends, family or myself. Gifts from my hands, my heart. But you know what? I’m not doing any of those things anymore. (That’s the point.)
I hope you’ll hear me, especially if you’re a younger woman. (Younger than me, ha.)
Do the things that YOU have been called to do in the season of life you’re in. Nothing more and nothing less.
Don’t cave to the pressure of friends, family, culture, society or even yourself to live differently. Yes, for goodness sake, stop pressuring yourself. Because life seasons change. And you’ll change too. Don’t let yourself die on the inside. That slow, miserable death, trying to conform to everyone else’s expectations. Everyone else’s but your own. Trying to make everyone happy isn’t humanly possible. I’m not talking about selfishness, self-focus or even narcissism here. I’m talking about striving to live up to another person’s expectations of what you should be doing, rather than who you were called and gifted to be.
I remember being a kid. Hearing my dad say often, “You can please some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all the time.”
Truth.
“Hi, my name is Allie. And I’m a people-pleaser.”
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me, and your circles of friends and family continue to grow as they inevitably will, it becomes increasingly impossible to please (let alone stay in touch) with everyone in life.
I’m still learning to be true to who I’m called to be, knowing it won’t please everyone. I’m not sure why women in particular struggle so much with this people pleasing. I think it’s our innately nurturing nature. But the truth is that one day you might wake up in your forties (like me), not even know who you are anymore. Because you’ve been so busy nurturing, caregiving and trying to please others. And in that process, you’ve somehow forgotten the very essence of who you were created to be. You might pass a mirror and wonder who stares back at you with the blank, hollow eyes.
I’ve heard it said this way. A healthy body of water needs both an inlet and an outlet. Just an inlet, and you’ve got an unhealthy, stagnant pond. Just an outlet, and you’ve got a dry, withered riverbed. Same with people.
Thing is, I’m greedy. I want to be more than just a healthy body of water. I want to be an oasis. With multiple inlets. Multiple outlets. I know I shouldn’t be so greedy. (Gotta add that to my non-existent New Year’s resolution list.)
Some of you know I worked countless hours behind the scenes on this blog last year, trying to get it up and running. It takes more time than you’d think, and I’m usually up at 5:30 a.m. sharing links in social media groups. This past Tuesday morning I gave myself grace (permission) to sleep in ’til 7. And just before 7, I was pleasantly awakened by Hudson, who had quietly crawled into my bed for a quick snuggle. Hudson has no trouble giving himself grace, trust me. He then beat me down the stairs, found the brownie pan and helped himself to a most generous square. More grace. (Or opportunistic thievery.) Yes, Hudson and most children have no trouble giving themselves grace. But somewhere along the way we grow into adults. Adults who often times have grace for everyone else, but none for ourselves.
So instead of resolutions and inspirational theme words, I’m following Hudson’s lead and gifting myself with grace this coming year. No, I didn’t host a Christmas party last month. Epiphany came and went, and my Christmas tree still stands. The wreaths are up. The stockings are still hung by the chimney with care. The Christmas cards that were never ordered were never sent. The thank you notes aren’t even written. (Yet!)
In this particular season of life, I’m thankful to breathe in and out. Inhale Exhale. To release those things I’m either no longer called to do or unable to do with joy in my heart. With a calmer spirit and fewer expectations for myself, I’m better equipped to carry out the tasks that I truly am called to do in this season.
Meanwhile, my haphazard pantry is stuffed to the gills with crumpled plastic grocery bags. Not a triangle in sight.
And I’m ok with that.
Thoughts?
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Jen says
So very well said (written)!
Even your plastic bag triangles look good enough to eat!!!
Allie says
Many thanks Jen, don’t eat this one! 🙂
Robin @ Simply Southern Baking says
Well said my friend. This really spoke to me during this season of life. xoxo
Allie says
Thank you friend. xo
Ellen says
So many good tidbits to chew on in this post! As a fellow forty-something I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for putting things in perspective.
Allie says
Awww…thanks Ell. We’ve been through several decades together….
Julie says
Beautiful truth. Thanks for speaking it so well.
Allie says
Thanks J – a lot of these concepts we have worked through together over a hot cup. Thankful for you.
Bresca says
It all rings true…thanks for sharing! It is helpful to find other friends — fellow travelers in this journey — working through some of the same things. (:
Allie says
Thanks Bresca, agreed. Glad to be walking the road together.
Tracy says
As I’ve said before, I learn so much from you my friend! I am also a people pleaser and understand every word of your eloquently written piece. I am so glad you will be concentrating on you this year! I would be glad to walk along side of you gifting ourselves with grace 😉
Allie says
Thank you Tracy! Yes, let’s let 2016 be the year of grace!
Sandi says
One of my favorite verses comes to mind, “the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps” Prov. 16:9. Enjoy, it is even better in your 60’search; -)
Allie says
Thanks for the verse and encouragement Sandi, looking forward to my 60’s now, just not rushing it. 🙂
Susan B. says
Allie,your best blog yet! Though many years and miles are between us, l will always be grateful God brought you and your family into my life for a season. I pray you have many more seasons to enjoy (or endure!) in your life of changing adventures.
P.S. I did miss your meticulously fancy handwritten card this year. Maybe next season!
Allie says
Awww…thanks Susan. We feel the same way. Years and miles don’t count, lifetime friendships do. FYI, I loved the mug! 🙂 Glad you thought of me, thankful. XO
Kim L says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this truth!!!
Allie says
Thank you so much Kim, I’d been wanting to write it for a while. Happy New Year!
Dona says
Allie,
This is so true! Hopefully we grow wiser as we grow older! Thank you for your giving heart. At this time you may not be sending gifts or food but your are still giving with your beautiful blog! Keep up the great work and don’t feel bad if you skip a day or two. You have my permission!
Allie says
Yes, hopefully wiser Dona. Many thanks for the kind words, and also for permission to skip a day on the blog. Even two. HA. I will do that, and will be thinking of you when I do. 🙂 Love to all your dear family. xo
Leslie says
Ha ha…..that first lady is right. I totally thought this was going to be a recipe for samosa or a pizza pocket. 🙂 But this is a much better post than a pizza pocket. Thanks for the great reminder…At every point in our life we were born for such a time as this.
Allie says
For such a time as this….many thanks friend. xo
M&MFASHIONBITES says
Like the last picture 🙂
Maria V.
Christy Smith says
Just love this. Copied and emailed myself the C.S. Lewis quote. Love the inlet outlet analogy. Love the AA confession so here is mine. “Hi, my name is Christy. I am a people pleaser.” And I am 7 years older than you. 🙂 Thanks for a good word in due time.
Allie says
Many thanks friend, nice to be working through some of these things together….xo
Britt says
Spot on! I thought the folded bag was spanakopita and I was a little disappointed…. I’ll give you grace, this time. ?
Allie says
Hey girl – thanks for the grace!:) I’ll take it.
Lauren Gaskill | Making Life Sweet says
“Learning as I uncurl my white-knuckled, fingers clutching the past, that open hands can more easily receive beautiful new gifts and blessings.” What a beautiful truth, Allie! This is such an inspiring, heart-felt blog and I want to thank you so much for sharing it with all of us. I am so happy to hear that you will be giving yourself more grace this year. I feel like this is one of the keys to truly thriving and living life to the fullest. Praying for you and wishing you all the best! XOXO
Allie says
Dear Lauren, thanks so much for the kind and gracious words. Praying a wonderful year ahead for you also, especially as you face many unknowns. xo
Judy says
That’s a good one, Allie. Speaking as one who is in the Winter of her life, the seasons of life are very different, and our various callings often change, too. May God give us the wisdom and grace to know which to embrace, and when.
Allie says
That’s the kicker isn’t it? Which ones and when. Lots of prayers and lots of listening. xo
Susie Mandel says
EXCELLENT article, Allie. Absolutely loved every single word. I am sharing this and hope all my friends read it!! Love you, Susie
Allie says
Thank you so much friend, and for sharing. XO
Mary says
Love your honesty & transparency. A beautiful trait you have in every “season” of your life. Always thankful that God brought the Taylors into our life and praying that 2016 will be filled with many unexpected blessings.
Allie says
Thank you for your very kind words Mary, love and miss you all. Happy 2016!
nancy mcmahan says
Allie thank you for such beautiful, truthful words. Gives me much to think about. I love how you can express your thoughts. Happy New Year to you beautiful lady and your family.
Allie says
Awwww…thank you so much Nancy. Happy, happy New Year to you and your family also!
Carina says
This is an amazing post, Allie. I think you have struck at such deep truths here. For me, it has been a continuous process of learning how to let go of all the shoulds so that I might have more time and energy for the things that truly matter and that express who I am. I’m still figuring it out, being aware, and (not always succeeding) trying to strike the right balance. What a beautiful post to start out 2016- thanks for this one. Xo
Allie says
Thank you so much for the kind words Carina… it’s a balancing act for sure and I’m right there in the thick of it with you. Happy 2016, friend! xo
Linda Jenkins says
Thank you for stating so well what I have been struggling with for several years. As I have tried to do more of the things that bring me joy and meaning in my life, I have met with resistance from family and some friends who want to know what is wrong with me. Basically, they don’t want me to be differentnt because that would upset their lives. This year I resolve to be the older and wiser me. I am giving myself permission to do all things that bring me joy. I hope 2016 brings all of you the opportunity and the courage to be the person God created you to be.
Allie says
It’s a tough balancing act, isn’t it Linda. I always love hearing your thoughts, thanks for taking the time. Hope you’re having a wonderful time away with Jack and soaking in the rays…cheers to 2016!
Marilyn Sylvester says
Your musings always give me a chuckle! Thanks. Actually this was a full out laugh!
Allie says
At your service friend! 🙂
Susan says
Wonderful timing for these wise words…thanks for helping to get the new year off to a good start–though, I may be guilty of over giving permission to myself! Maybe that should be a different blog? (I do hope you can avoid future 5:30 wake ups, though–ouch!)
Allie says
Yeah I could use some alarm clock grace over here….thanks for the kind words Susan! Cheers to our 2016!
Sallie Eisengrein says
Wonderful words of wisdom for young and old alike! Thank you!
Allie says
Thank you friend. XO
April says
Whew, I needed that! I so remember those triangles and trying to do that at my house. It lasted about 2 weeks before I went back to cramming them. You have always been a great example to those younger and older and this post proves that. Miss you!
Allie says
You fellow triangle-folder you…:) Thanks for the gracious words April, miss you too. More than you know.
Karen @ On the Banks of Salt Creek says
Great insight.
I think it’s a mom thing.
I love the “Healthy body of water”, idea. Such truth.
I’m glad you are giving yourself some grace.
As a recovering control addict and perfectionist, I’ve realized those things are more about PRIDE than anything.
Have a wonderfully less filled 2016.
Allie says
You’re right friend, it’s that P word. Have a blessed 2016!
Mary Ellen Churchill says
All I can say is “Amen” and God Bless You.
Allie says
Thanks so much Mary Ellen, happy 2016 to you and your family!
Laura Dembowski says
This is such a great post, Allie. I definitely pick and choose the things that mean the most to me and I don’t feel guilty about it. It’s probably because I’m not a people pleaser nor a mother and I’m a bit selfish. But as an ambitious young person, I don’t think I have a choice. I know what I want and I go after it. And in doing so some things slip by the wayside. Like folding clothes and even my blog. I’d like my blog to grow, but I have learned that I don’t love it. I love writing. So I’m fighting for that like my life depends on it, which in some ways it does. I hope you fight for what is more important to you and your family. Life is short. We all need to enjoy it.
Allie says
Hey thanks Laura, I fall down on the clothes folding too. I also love writing. So what do you write besides your blog? Happy 2016!
Laura Dembowski says
I am working on screenplays and novels. I’ve actually completed several of each and am now just trying to get someone to help me out with them.
Allie says
Good for you Laura, that’s BIG! Congratulations, that’s a ton of hard work. You go girl.
~simone says
I love this! I think that you have awakened a ‘sleeping giant’ in a lot of women’s’ hearts.(including mine). Thank you for being so real. I think that’s what I love about you most Allie.
I’m glad that you have laid those plastic triangles aside and are now giving writing the priority. Please keep doing what you love doing and what you were gifted to do.
Allie says
Thanks for the very gracious words, Simone. I think that’s exactly what I appreciate about you, Simone. Authenticity. xo
Aunt Pinkie says
This blog spoke to me as a died-in-the-wool people pleaser! Well written, Allie! God bless you and yours in 2016!
Allie says
Thank you so much Aunt Pinkie. Love you. Happy 2016.
Mandi Korn says
You have reached a point in your life, with which wisdom has finally prevailed our woman’s insanity. Yes, I am a People Pleaser too, and so is my husband, we both struggle with this everyday. In that we have lost ourselves, and I am still struggling to even find myself in my own blog. I wish some day I can give myself permission, but I think I still have a long way to go. It seems that your little guy is teaching you more about life and about yourself, than you thought imaginable and he is such a great blessing in your life, a teacher of sorts to you and your family. I just went through the list of things I need to do on a daily basis the other day, and had to walk away from the conversation, because it was too much and I didn’t want to keep saying it all out loud. We woman/mothers/wives/daughters, etc…..have to many pressures, we all need to slow down, give ourself permission. I will take this post with me….hopefully it may stick a little.
Allie says
That’s so interesting, my Jon is a people pleaser too. It’s an interesting marriage with two people pleasers isn’t it. And sometimes what can get in the way is that we both feel the pressure to please other people, and sometimes the one we love most (each other) can get lost in the shuffle. We’re constantly evaluating and re-evaluating and having do overs. You are doing a beautiful job with your blog Mandi, and I’m sure it will become evident over time what direction you will go with it. You’ll start to realize what you’re most passionate about and it will become clear. I think it just takes time, experience and writing the next post. It will come. I am still working through that process myself, but things are much clearer than they were a year ago. Keep on keeping on, and cheers to a fabulous year ahead with lots of permission! XO
Karyn Hopper says
Love the title…permission. A couple years ago as I was struggling with my health, the naturopath asked me if I was getting rest. I admitted that I wanted to take naps, but I felt gully wasting precious toddler nap time. My son was napping, and I had stuff to get done!! She told me I needed to give myself “permission” to take a nap. Great advice!
Thanks for reminding me not to put myself on needless guilt trips!
Allie says
Thanks friend, I remember that identical struggle with toddler nap times…beyond desperately needing the rest but even more desperately not wanting to lose the time to accomplish things. Things like…dishes. Or laundry. Bleh. Cheers to more naps and permissions in the year ahead! lol XO
Cheyanne @ No Spoon Necessary says
I am definitely a people pleaser, but as I get older I have learned it’s okay to take into mind your own needs first. Especially when it comes to my family. Often I go WAY out of my way when I don’t really want to, because I feel like I “have” to, and then it goes unappreciated. I have learned to take myself into consideration first. I think this comes with age… giving ourselves permission to live a life that makes US happy. I always love your writing and this post definitely struck a cord with me. I hope you are able to stick to giving yourself permission, Allie. I know you deserve it! Cheers, my sweet, eloquent friend!! xoxo
Allie says
Thanks for the kind words Cheyanne. So you and I are both people pleasers…doesn’t surprise me a bit. Cheers to your year ahead, friend. Hope it will be a wonderful one and yes, full of permission as needed. XO
Melanie @ Melanie Cooks says
I always remind myself this saying: “You are not a $100 dollar bill to be liked by everybody”. It’s great that you too came to the realization that you can’t please everybody and should just do what’s good for you. It took me much longer though to come to the understanding that life changes and you need to roll with the changes. I like rigid routines and change is very difficult for me, but over the past few years I learn to let go and just roll with it. Very well-written piece.
Allie says
Oh I love that Melanie, have never heard that before. “You are not a $100 bill.” Thanks for the kind words and dropping by. I’m still learning all these things. Cheers to a fabulous 2016!
Shashi at RunninSrilankan says
Allie, I so love this post! As a newbie fortier, I find I care less and less about what others expect me to do in this season. But it wasn’t always the case. When I was younger, I, too, put undue stress on myself but in my case – no one ever told me explicitly what I should or shouldn’t be doing – I was assuming what they wanted/expected – crazy eh?!
Your Hudson is one remarkable fella – when my daughter and I served in children’s ministry awhile back, we had a girl called Hope who had Downs. One of the rules at the center was that we couldn’t give frontal hugs to kids 4 and above – and during story time we couldn’t have children sit in our laps, well, Hope didn’t care. Once she warmed up to me, she would never be happy with a side hug – and the best part is that when another child was crying one day and the other lady in there wouldn’t/couldn’t carry them and comfort them, Hope went up to that child and gave them a huge hug and wouldn’t stop and in the middle of all that, the child stopped crying. I know this is an extreme scenario of a child’s grace – but I sure understand what you mean. We adults get so bogged down with rules and supposed etiquette, we forget the simplest of things that bring joy.
Awesome, awesome post my friend!
Allie says
Welcome to the forties, my friend. 🙂 You will love it. Amazing the things we learn from little children, eh Shashi? Thanks for sharing that sweet sweet story about Hope, a precious little girl who was aptly named. Cheers to much joy and permission in our year ahead. XOXO
Barbara Child says
A lot of truth and wisdom here! Thanks, Allie!