The Ladies Are Here! Hope you got a kick out of Funny Tales from the Pew last weekend. If you didn’t get a chance yet, read that post before you read this one. Especially if you didn’t get a chance to read the comments.
Because we have some very fun (and very funny) THLG readers out there, and the stories relayed in the comments are at least as funny as my post. Probably funnier. Jon and I got chuckling over those stories, and more church tales of our own. There’ll definitely need to be a sequel I’m a thinking. We got lots more stories, and apparently so do you!
I still remember the day Jon came home from seminary years ago, told me the following tale. I couldn’t believe my ears. It’s true, and Jon shares it below, in his own words.
The Ladies Are Here
Most people don’t think of seminary as an exciting place. I guess that would be an understatement, considering the most common synonym used is the word “cemetery,” usually spoken with a wry smile. I actually enjoyed my time there. It may be because I “packed” three years into eight.
We marked the time by the births of our oldest two boys. One was born during Hebrew and the other during Greek. I think seminary should be enjoyed like a fine wine, over time. (My wife is not of the same opinion.)
My favorite and most entertaining professor was Dr. Frank Kik. He was a Presbyterian pastor for many years and told us he accepted the professorship on the condition that he be free to teach his students everything he didn’t learn in seminary.
And he did just that.
Dr. Kik was eminently practical, teaching us every detail of how to run a funeral, a wedding and a board meeting, as well as many other aspects of ministry I still use today. I’m grateful for him and his mentoring.
Dr. Kik also taught us many things most other seminaries probably don’t teach. Some of them I can’t share here because they’d set off your internet filter. Oh yes.
And there was the time he broke into a cemetery (not seminary) to bury someone who technically wasn’t allowed to be buried there. (An accomplice distracted the cemetery attendant as the hearse rolled by.) And there was the time he performed a funeral for a dog. Oh, there were stories. But my all-time favorite I share with you now.
Dr. Kik lived in a parsonage right next to the church. He made all of us swear we’d never accept a call to a church with a parsonage. You’re about to find out why.
Every Sunday morning as he got ready for church, two “blue-haired ladies” (his term) would pass by a large picture window in the back of his house as they headed to the church to get refreshments ready for the service. And each time they walked by the picture window, they would stop and nosily peer in to see what was going on in the Kik household.
They did this every Sunday, for years. And it irritated Frank to no end.
One Sunday morning he’d just stepped out of the shower and was standing at the top of the stairs in his towel yelling down a question to his wife Phyllis. That picture window looked right up the stairs to the second floor.
At that precise moment, Phyllis yelled with urgency from the kitchen: “Frank! They’re here! The Ladies Are Here !”
For whatever reason, at that particular moment the shepherd lost affection for those two sheep. And with the bravado of a matador, he yelled,
“I DON’T CARE! LET ‘EM COME!”
With a flourish, he ripped off his towel, just as the two ladies peered in the window and up the stairs. He gritted his teeth, flexed his muscles and let out a birthday suit roar for the ages.
And never again did those ladies peer in the window.
The end.
I know. I still can’t believe Dr. Kik did that either. I mean, he’s a pastor and all. And the thing is, church started about an hour after that “incident”, and he knew he would have to see them. Awkward. What do you think?
Gotta a funny or interesting story? Oh come on, do tell. Amuse us.
You may also enjoy: Psalm 23 on PB & J
Linda Jenkins says
Jon, I am still laughing. Elderly women do tend to be a bit nosey, but these two definitely take the cake. I’ll bet they will never forget the lesson: don’t go snooping around others’ properties; you never know what you will discover. Love the pastor with a sense of humor. It may have been awkward for him to start the service an hour later; however, I venture to say the Sunday service was probably far more awkward for those “blue-haired ladies” for weeks to come. The pastor , very courageously, taught them a lesson I’m sure they will take to their graves.
Allie says
I’m glad you got a good laugh Linda. I honestly couldn’t believe it when Jon told me the story. Now that was one gutsy pastor. xo
Karla @SmallTownRambler says
HAHAHA!! That is HILARIOUS! I would have gotten tired of that just like that Pastor did, but I wouldn’t have been brave enough to do that. I say good for him, lol! I have a short, funny story today…I grew up Catholic and did some time as an alter server. I was probably about 12 years old and up front facing the church, standing behind the priest when this giant fly was buzzing around my head. It was the early 90’s so I had the big “wave” going on with may bangs…which were teased and loaded with super hold hairspray. Nothing could get through those bangs….not even a giant fly. Yep, it flew right into my big bangs and got stuck! There it was, buzzing loudly, struggling desperately to get free. I was trying not to cause a scene but then noticed it already was as some of the people in the crowd started looking and laughing…and of course it was so quiet at that very moment. It took quite an effort to free the fly, but not without some small laughs and snickers from the church. It flew away and I fixed my bangs as best as I could…on with the service!
Allie says
Oh Karla. That is so funny. I felt like I was there. What a scene. Nothing like good old Aqua Net. Buzz buzz buzz. And poor you, up on display for the mass(es.) Pun intended. Too funny. I think perhaps that fly was sent by the devil to distract in the service. I have an interesting story in a Catholic church too. I grew up Protestant. And a couple years ago the catholic church across the street from my house was in a real bind on Easter weekend. They desperately needed a piano player for their Saturday service on Palm Sunday weekend. They asked me. The thing is, I’d never been in a catholic church except for a funeral or two. Even though I was already playing at my own church on Easter Sunday morning, for some crazy reason I agreed. As you may know, a catholic service can be quite different from a protestant service, and someday I will have to write that story. But I will say this. It was a very stressful hour trying to follow the form of a very different service and all the new music and liturgy, let alone tickle the ivories. I’m definitely more careful about what I agree to these days…Have a great weekend with your sweet family!
Susie Mandel says
Now, I’M choking, Allie & Jon! That was HILARIOUS!!!! And I can’t even imagine what the other stories are that you dare not tell, Jon. Thanks for sharing!
Allie says
Made us laugh too, Susie Q. (poet, me) I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad knew Frank Kik or even Frank’s dad Marsalis Kik.
Carina says
Lots of humour in both posts (this one and Tales from The Pew), as well as the comments. It is interesting to hear the anecdotes that are experienced in different professions, and I had never considered what comical things a pastor and his family must experience. Thanks for sharing, and how nice of your husband to take the time to share this story personally. Hope you are having a great weekend!
Allie says
Thanks Carina! We had a beautiful weekend here,hope you did too. Just headed to the beach on this beautiful day! xo
Carina says
Glad you had a chance to go to the beach! ☀️??
Yvette Couser says
HAAAAAHHAAAAAAHAAA! Good for him to have such…moxie! I don’t think we have such good Divinity School stories…probably a good thing! Follow up question: did his actions turn their hair white?? And my final thought: I will nevernevernevernevernever peek in any of your windows. Nevernevernevernever… Too many brazen males in your house.
Allie says
Moxie. Great word choice Yvette. Thanks for that promise. Ha ha. I wasn’t exactly worried. I guess we could boil it down to be careful what you ask for. Or look for… one might get more than they bargain for…
Aunt Pinkie says
What a funny story-love it!
Karen @ On the Banks of Salt Creek says
Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Laura Cook says
Pastor Kik boldly taught the “Ladies” a stark naked truth: Thou shall not peep on your pastor!