Halloooooo out there friends.
That’s what they say at Pooh Corner in the Hundred Acre Wood. You know. CR. (Christopher Robin.)
And Eeyore.
Rabbit and Piglet.
Pooh.
The Gang.
Do hope you’re well today, and a very happy weekend to each of you.
I’ve been thinking about some funny things that’ve happened to me through the years. Seems a number of my stories have to do with driving or being in the car. My cousin recently pointed that out.
And I do have a few more of those funny ones up my sleeve I’m still needing to write. One that comes to mind has to do with a one way street. (And a Suburban.) I shudder thinking about it….
But I was also thinking of some humorous things that’ve happened along another line. Specifically at church. These are things I’ve either observed with my own eyes or actually happened to me personally.
Each could be its own story. And probably will be someday. But thought I’d give you a little sneak preview today…
Funny Tales from the Pew
- There was the time the toddler escaped from the church nursery during the service. Ran into the sanctuary from a side door. Right up to the pulpit. And what the pastor said. And the nine month pregnant mama that chased him around the church. (Um yeah. Me.)
- And how it happened all over again just ten minutes later. Deja vu. And where’s a trapdoor when you really need it? (Why locks are installed on the inside of the doors in that church nursery now.)
- There was the time the little boy threw up during the sermon. Forcefully, voluminously and deafeningly. Not once. Not twice. But three times in quick succession. And Pastor Bill, quick on his feet, murmured from the pulpit: “My preaching has that effect on a lot of people.”
- And the time I was playing piano for the offertory and the adjustable piano stool magically dropped about 12 inches. Right in the middle of the song. Somehow no one but me noticed. I didn’t skip a beat. Uh huh. But I did giggle aloud. And everyone did notice that. (That was just a few months ago….)
- Then there was the time we were visiting a church. And I dropped little Jonathan off in the church nursery. He was maybe 18 months at the time, hadn’t sprouted much hair yet. An older couple staffed the nursery that day. The man, settled in a rocking chair engrossed in his Sunday morning comics, peered over his bifocals and paper, ordered his wife to “Keep an eye on cue-ball over there…” (Excuse me? And watch it pal, ‘cuz that’s my baby.)
- And there was the communion bread. (Ours is a common loaf.) Everyone broke off a piece as it passed by. There was the visiting couple. The wife, who broke off a rather large piece. And the husband, overheard whispering, “Would you like some mayo with that?”
- Then there was the Christmas Eve candlelight service. A “Sweet Little Jesus Boy” solo in progress up front. And the little toddler in the gargantuan green down coat that escaped the clutches of his parents. Mesmerized, he slowly walked the center aisle to the front. And was retrieved by the soloist, who finished out the song without missing a beat. Microphone in one hand, a little green eskimo in the other… (Yeah, that was my kid.)
- And there was the Christmas service. “Lo How a Rose E’er Blooming” was being sung acapela. And a little baby I know waited for an opportune moment of silence just after the line “from tender stem hath sprung.” He waited for that tender moment and pregnant pause, and while the notes reverberated in the sanctuary, noisily loaded his diaper. And yes, that was my child. (And for the record, I was later asked if that was the baby. Really?)
- One more. The time that naughty little toe-headed girl kicked her old lady Sunday school teacher right in the shins. Hard. It was a long time ago, but I remember it like yesterday. (It wasn’t a nice thing to do. But Mrs. Bryan should’ve given me that Tic-Tac box with the last Tic-Tac like she promised…)
There are more Funny Tales from the Pew. Always more. And believe me, I’d love to write them. Trust me. It’s entertaining, amuses me. Playing with semantics. But I need to accomplish other things today. Laundry, cleaning, weeding, grocery shopping, cooking for my family. (They tell me they need to eat too.)
Gotta a funny church story? Surely there are more funny tales out there and we’d love to hear them here. Come on, entertain us.
Words and laughter: they’re both free. Have a super weekend my friends!
Be sure to check out my Recipe Index for delicious new recipes to make this weekend, like Blueberry Pound Cake….
Or catch another laugh here:
Tracy says
Very funny Allie! Oh I am sure you have enough of those to write a book! Love them! Thank you for starting my day on a light hearted note??
Allie says
ha ha Tracy. Just waiting for the publisher to sign on. giggle
Sallie Eisengrein says
Fun memories! Do you remember a Christmas Eve service, many moons ago, involving Frances’s child and a small fire? I can’t recall the details but it was funny, after we knew all were safe and the church didn’t burn down! ?
Thanks for brightening my day! I suggest you elaborate on your stories because you have a gift for writing and your details would be hilarious!
Allie says
Dear Sallie – we must have missed this fire story. We were often up north at Christmas time when our kids were little. But now I’m really curious, guessing it must have been an advent wreath? We’ve had quite a few fire stories at our house…one that did involve an advent wreath. And now there’s a hole in the lamp shade. Just sayin’. xo
Karla @SmallTownRambler says
Oh my gosh, Allie…these stories are HILARIOUS! I can’t decide which one was most hilarious although I love how the preacher didn’t miss a beat with “My preaching has that effect on a lot of people.” Lol! The Jesus soloist reminds me of Matthew 19 v 14…I think that is precious. My family always talks about our funny church stories. One in particular was when I was about four and this man beside me passed gas and it was loud thanks to the wooden pews. Of course he was embarrassed but what made it worse was when my Mom thought it was me and whispered “Karla!” So I responded loud and defensively, “It wasn’t me Mommy, it was him!!”, as I was pointing right at him of course. Poor guy. His face was red as a beet. My mom was saying “shhh, okay, okay…”, trying to get me to settle down.
Allie says
Karla – that is priceless. Made me laugh. I just knew there was a good story or two floating out there….thanks for commenting. Seems to me it would be a good investment (and for more than one reason!) for a church to consider installing cushions on wooden church pews. 🙂
Linda Jenkins says
Allie, was funny, yet embarrassing moments. I am amazed how you never seem to miss a beat. Or even seem the least bit embarrassed. Looking forward to more of the funny stories. You really did kick the Sunday School teacher in the shins? You must have given your own parents some good story material. Love the blog.
Allie says
I probably should be embarrassed Linda. 🙂 I did kick Mrs. Bryan in the shins. And I knew it was wrong when I did it. And I still remember doing it. I was three, possibly an early four. I definitely knew better. xo
Susie Mandel says
I remember the child who “escaped” from the nursery and wandered into the sanctuary. And I remember what Bill did…he paused, watched “Jolly” walk in front of the pulpit, and said, “Well, hello there!” Priceless!! All your stories have started my weekend off just right. Thanks for the giggles. 🙂 My contribution would be the time my 3 or 4-year old daughter thought my broomstick skirt would make a great fan and started lifting it up and down behind me while we were standing and singing a hymn. The problems were 1) we weren’t sitting in the last row; and 2) there was a huge hole in my tights. I figured that hole was high enough on my body that it wouldn’t show to the public. I was too afraid to ask the person behind me what they saw….
Allie says
Susie , we are at the beach. & I read your comment to Jon. Tried to read it. I was laughing so hard I almost choked. A hole in the tights. And not on the back row. But other than that it would’ve been the perfect way to keep cool in a broom stick skirt on a hot Sunday morning. Leave it to Julia.
Nancy Hammett says
Enjoyed read the stories. Smiled and laughed at the cute stories. I remembered one on our Scott when he was little he was three. He stated walking up and down beside the pews. Skeeter got him and sat back down with him and in a little while Scott did it again Skeeter got him and started out of the Church with him to take him to the nursery and he let out a loud scream. the preacher had to stop preaching until they got outside. After they got out Steve said now we can continue .
Allie says
Dear Nancy, are you talking about Pastor Steve Bostrum? So Scott stopped the service too….Jonathan and Scott share a rare talent. Too funny. Guess Scott wanted to stay in church after all and wasn’t shy about letting everyone know about it…
Aunt Pinkie says
love ’em! sounds like most of those were stories of your children -!:)
Jon says
Great retelling, Babe. I know all of those stories firsthand (except the one about the spunky Sunday School student, but I got to know her later).
Church stories are my specialty, you could say. I have about four I could share, but I’ll whittle it down to one.
Sunday dawned unusually cold in Tampa that day, and as the service started everyone could feel the chill. The man who entered the pulpit to make announcements thought he’d start things on a light note. “You might wonder,” he said, referring to a sweet, well-dressed elderly lady in the front row, “why there’s a puddle under Mrs. Tavington’s chair.” There was an audible gasp across the church that all but eclipsed his intended punch line which followed: “she’s thawing out.”
Allie says
Poor Mrs. Tavington! I just can’t believe he really said that.
Aunt Margie says
I recall sitting in a small sanctuary at your grandparents’ church, along with your parents, in the front row. I think the church was in the middle of a reconstructions project, because there must not have been room in the nursery for your oldest brother, who was a preschooler. Just as the preacher was waxing loud (and long) he started rolling towards the makeshift pulpit, right out of reach of his frantic parents hands. Oh my! How to keep a straight face!
My son, when asked what the shepherds might have looked like, responded brightly, en lisp, “Oh yeth, they were great big German Theperdth”!
Stories from the pews is just the best ever!
Allie says
Auntie M, I have NEVER heard that very funny story. And of course now I’m just DYING to know if it was David, Danny or Randy and the “German Theperdth”….
Christy smith says
It was Randy… The most literal of all of us literalists. 🙂 Randy has gad some great lines over the years… Still does!
Mum Collins says
Gotta tell two! During an incredibly looooong Christmas special, the Church members were performing a Reader’s Theater style reading. This is where several people stand up front and take turns reading sections of Scripture from black notebooks. This one in particular involved the participants wearing tuxedos as well, so it was quite formal and solemn. As the Assistant Pastor was plowing through a very, very long Old Testament passage, he stumbled on a word and substituted an “L” for a “W”, saying the phrase “In the fruit of the Loom (womb)!! The whole front row caught it at once and twenty of us dissolved in UNCONTROLLABLE laughter to where the whole Congregation began to murmur, What Happened?!
The one and only time my husband decided to branch out in his church attire and try something new made for an interesting story! We were attending a neighborhood church with several of our actual neighbors. That morning we sat behind our back door neighbors we’ve known for 15 years. As the singing finished and the congregation was asked to be seated, we all sat as one…on the way down our neighbor’s wife turned back to smile at us, my husband’s suspender clips caught and opened on the wooden pew, flew up over my husband’s head and hit her husband on the back of his head!! Thinking his wife hit him on the head he loudly said, “WHY did you HIT me??” She couldn’t answer in fits of laughter and pointed at my husband! We were laughing so hard, tears were pouring. The Pastor had to stop the sermon. My husband has NEVER worn suspenders since!
Allie says
Oh my goodness. We just can’t top these. Impossible. Time to start a blog and entertain us regularly Mum. I’m guessing the many stories you could tell…I’m thinking blue bus, and others…
Jacob says
One time during the sermon I sneezed. Then I sneezed again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And of course I had to top it off with one more good one. So I did.
Allie says
Maybe you should take Zyrtec before church….:)
Dale Kaigle says
When my sister and I were little my mom taught us the Lord’s Prayer. My sister (4 or 5 at the time) was having a bit of trouble learning it. One Sunday the pastor of our church decided to pray the Lord’s Prayer during service. When she was done there was a moment of silence for personal prayer. My sister took that moment to (in a good loud voice) say “Good job!! Mom she did it right!!”
Allie says
Dale, that is so so funny. And good thing she got it right.(!) Phew. Reminds me of my little Charlie, who at one time detested PB & J sandwiches. It was all we had in the house one day for lunch. I left him at the kitchen counter with his PB & J to go fold laundry in the living room. I heard him muttering from the kitchen counter, “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…”. I wrote a post about it entitled “Psalm 23 on PB & J…” Kids are so funny.
Robin McMahan says
Thanks for the laughs…and there was the time someone used wine for the communion cups. We all take together and my 13 year old did not know it was (really awful) wine. When we all took together, she coughed and choked loudly at the unexpected “wine.” There was laughter and embarrassment. Mostly laughter. It really was terrible $2 wine from a box.
Allie says
Well that must have kept her away from the wine closet for a while. That’s a funny story Robin. We have wine in the outer cups and grape juice in the center of our communion trays. That is always announced at communion, but people do get it mixed up occasionally and there are similar surprises. But thankfully, I don’t think our wine is from a box….:)
Cindi says
Allie, I love your stories! They brightened our morning!
My favorites: Home from college and attending Christmas Eve services, I mention to my friend that I hadn’t been in church for awhile. Just then all the lights went out. My friend leaned in and whispered, “duly noted.”
The next story was from the early 60’s, when some people were a little “starchier.” My dear friend was getting married to her second husband; she had a little daughter, about two or three from her first marriage. Her daughter was the flower girl. She very seriously walked down the aisle, tossing her petals left and right. When she reached the end, she looked up and saw the groom. Breaking into a big smile, she shouted ” Hi Daddy!” and ran to him. Eyebrows shot up everywhere. The groom simply scooped her up and proceeded with the wedding. My favorite wedding ever.
Allie says
Thank you so much Cindy! I can just imagine when those lights flickered….oh my. Timing is everything. 🙂 And such a sweet wedding story, loved it. Precious memories.
Robin @ Simply Southern Baking says
Enjoyed reading your funny church stories and the others as well. Here’s one to add about food at church.
My sweet Granny made the best chicken and dumplings in the world and was always expected to bring them to meals at church. We’re talking down-home, from scratch, flat, rolled out dumplings….Mmmmm, so good! My uncle and I would tease each other as to who would get to them first. I think I actually had 5 helpings one Sunday. Anyway, sometimes Granny would add just a touch of yellow food coloring to the pot to give them a little color (like yellow chicken broth). One time when she was making a pot to take to church, she grabbed the red food coloring by mistake and it turned the chicken and dumplings pink! Well, she took them to church anyway. Obviously, there were a lot of laughs, but they were still gobbled up as usual. I relayed this story few years ago on my blog under the title Granny’s “Pink” Chicken and Dumplings with more detail. Such precious memories.
Allie says
Oh Robin, what a great story!!! I just went to your blog and read the full story. Your Granny was one of a kind for sure. I absolutely loved your post and would have loved your Granny too. She was one spunky lady. Here is the link for others who would like to read this sweet and funny story: http://simplysouthernbaking.com/2011/grannys-pink-chicken-and-dumplings/
Amy says
As a church music director, a conversation at church that begins with the words, “Amy, I hate to tell you this, but your boys…” usually leaves me wondering what ever did I do as a PK to deserve this. Easter Sunday 2007, while my boys were coming to the sanctuary from Sunday school (small church in which parents relied on the Sunday school teachers to bring the kids to the sanctuary after SS) the boys snuck outside. A very passive aggressive, over joyed, “blue-haired”, southern belle, in her very thick, Savannah Ga accent, paraded to the piano and proudly said, “Amy, I hate to tell you this but your boys are peeing right outside the front door of the church!” When I got outside the boys said, “look, mom! We made pee art crosses!”
Amy says
The same boys also unloaded water guns on the parishioners one Sunday evening while we were singing “Be Thou My Vision.” I can’t sing that hymn to this day without giggling.
Amy says
Oh, one more for your enjoyment…a few weeks ago, I played a glissando and slid right off of the piano bench. Guess I was really getting into the song. I’m just glad it was during a rehearsal and not a Sunday morning.
Allie says
Oh my goodness Amy, these are amazing. You have a book in the making and you can’t make this stuff up. Too funny. Only mothers of boys can understand. Thanks for these great stories, and glad you didn’t get hurt in the glissando glitch! XO
dawn says
I remember many a Wednesday night prayer meeting, at Collinsville. Through the silence in between prayers, you could hear Mike’s loud snoring, echoing off the high ceiling of the church. This happened every Wednesday night, followed by me kicking him awake every 5 minutes.
That brother of mine could sleep standing up!! Lol
Love the stories Allie! Thought I’d share an adult embarrassment. Lol
Allie says
That’s too funny Dawnie. I’d never heard that story yet. I’ll have to bring that up with Mike next time I see him. lol
Laura Cook says
I so enjoyed reading each and every one of your stories, and those added by your readers too!
This is a true story, but almost too embarrassing to tell:
When I was a self-righteous 10 year old, my next oldest brother was 13 and struggling with his faith. He had recently talked to the pastor about his doubts and had pretty much decided Christianity was not true. That said, the house rules were that we all went to church as a family no matter what. During the next “Communion Sunday” , I was appalled when said brother took and ate the bread and was ready to drink the wine (grape juice) too. To prevent such “heresy”, I grabbed his little cup and drank his as well as my own. He was completely flabbergasted and began to laugh uncontrollably and very audibly… and everyone knows how contagious laughter is. We were both so hysterical that we had to remove ourselves from the Service. I don’t think anyone, including our parents, saw what happened that caused our crack-up. I am thankful to believe that I cannot thwart God’s Providence or Plan and that there is forgiveness for one even like me. <
Allie says
Laura, this is the funniest tale ever. I laughed the first time I read this comment and now I am back reading it again to get a chuckle. Hysterical. (You!) XO